Confessions of a closet carb fiend:
Dave Barry on Atkins

I used to help straighten pew racks at my church, taking a few minutes after the morning service to rearrange hymnals and pick up stray pieces of paper. As I was working my way toward the back of the sanctuary one Sunday, I heard a man's voice behind me: "Did you find a stick of gum back here?" I looked up and saw sports mogul Jerry Colangelo, holding the hand of his small granddaughter.

Since I'm sure the man has about a kajillion dollars, I wanted to say, "Buy her a pack of gum, Jerry. Buy her a gum store, for Pete's sake." But, really, the scene was rather sweet. At that moment, he was just a regular guy, helping his granddaughter find a lost treasure.

I'm a little suspicious about the 12 different settings on my blender. Is there really a difference between Chop, Grate and Ice Crush? I think I'd do just as well with two simple settings: Off and Pulverize.

Four days into my new job, I've already accomplished quite a bit:

• Worn a path back and forth through a maze of hospital corridors, wondering why a series of signs pointing to the elevators suddenly stops before said elevators are anywhere in the vicinity
  
• Left a work-related videotape in my car all day, not realizing our unseasonably warm weather was hot enough to warp plastic into a non-VCR-friendly shape
  
• Said "nice to meet you" and "great to be here" about 287 times, meaning it.

I was a guest at a Toastmasters meeting a few weeks ago. One of the speakers that morning was a firefighter who opened his first speech, I’m told, with this admission: “I’d rather be standing in a burning building than in front of you right now.”

I guess that pretty much sums up how most of us feel about public speaking.

How much black clothing can one person own and still be considered well-adjusted?

I'm finally rejoining the world of full-time employment, after nearly a year of piecing together an income through various part-time, temporary jobs and freelance projects. Amazingly, I have not had a single day without work. But I've spent more hours in isolation than I care to, and I've missed the safe predictability of every-other-week paychecks. I'll be returning to hospital public relations, and the job should be an interesting one. I'm excited, relieved, and extremely thankful.